Joco

Joco has comforted me through two marriages, three deaths and was my first thought in the morning when I woke. Most of my friends brought him treats when they visited or knew where the treat jar was and would give him one as soon as they entered the house.



Strangers would stop us on the street to tell me what a pretty dog he was and would often have treats on hand they would give him. That happened so many times I lost track of the numbers. One woman actually stopped in the middle of an intersection to give him one. One of my neighbors at the old house would buy him a bone every time she went to the store and threw it over the fence on the way back home.



Then there were the "manly men." You know the type; pickup driving, hunting and fishing men would would light up when they met him, usually saying "He's so big!" with envy in their eyes. Joco inspired love.



When I say Joco was the best dog ever, it's not just me. I have a lot of believers in that statement. With Joco gone I feel like I've lost part of me.

Joco

Joco has been having health problems and they were decidedly worse when I got back from NY. It looks like he had a bad fall while I was gone and damaged his back. The vet gave me more pain killers and anti-inflammatory pills, but he's really having a bad time of it. At this point he can barely walk and his hind legs only support him part of the time. I've been half carrying him outside when he has to go, which is difficult with a 100 pound dog to say the least. I'm just hoping he'll get better if I keep him confined and off his feet as much as possible. I've been keeping him off his bed, which he's not to happy about! But it's a love seat and he'd have to climb to get into it, so we've been sleeping in the living room since I got home. He has some cushions but he still wants his bed. Poor baby! It's hard to watch him go through this. I hate seeing him suffer.

This has really taken a lot of my focus lately, so I really don't have anything else to write about right now. And yes, I'm trying. :-)

More

Well the job didn't work out, the woman changed her mind and decided she could only afford part time and a teenager at that. On the bright side an old client called and wants me to do some more work for her. So, it all works out.

I am still working on the positive, schooling my thoughts as much as I can, working on seeing all of this as an opportunity rather than something bad. With time I'll get better at it. I'm just going to concentrate on money and work, getting new furniture and a car. I'll work on figuring out my relationship issues later. Because it goes without saying, my judgment in that sector needs some work. But I've decided I don't need to work on it right now. I can get all introspective later. :-)

Another Post

A good thing happened yesterday. I got a bite on a job. So keep your fingers crossed it works out.

Other than that I'm still working on this focus/being positive thing. I've been watching "feel good" videos and staying away from the negative people, and I'm finding an ironic twist. The people who think they are very positive have been the most negative in their advice. Interesting, isn't it? It's the same way everybody thinks they are a good person no matter what they do. I should do a science experiment. Maybe I could write a book.

The other thing is that I can't get away from knowing what Edwin is up to. I've cut off every access to information about him that I can think of and yet it still finds me. Oh well, at least it confirms some suspicions and that makes me feel a little less crazy. That is another good thing. Hey, I'm up to two good things! I think I'll shoot for three tomorrow. :-)

Focus

Today I am trying to get focused. It's like my mind is on a circular track and I need to somehow make it get off and do something different. It feels like (and mind you I know it's just my brain running that track) Like everything in my life is set up to make anything I do or want to do more difficult than it should be. Winter, the bus system, Joco's health and my own are just a few of the things getting in the way. And then there is that focus problem. It's hard to move forward when you no longer trust yourself to make a good decision or believe you have the capability. Again, logically I know it's all in my head, but emotionally, well, emotions have been taking over. The goal for the day is to get unstuck and focus, even if just for a half an hour. Baby steps, right?

So, on to the positive. (See, I'm working on it.) I have good friends. (include cousins in that) Really good friends. Not a lot, but the ones I have are wonderful. I have even gained a friend through this. Someone else going through the same thing. We've been having great online sessions. It helps to get it out. Of course when these things happen, you do find out who your friends really are. I have lost a few that I thought were my friends, but it's their loss. I've been there for them, and they have lost that support system. It's sad, but I can live with it. If they feel they have to choose, then so be it. Occasionally you need to weed the garden or the weeds will choke out the flowers. I will keep moving forward with my small but wonderful group of friends.

Darker Posts

A warning to those who don't want to know about the darker parts of my brain. This will most likely not be a very happy blog for a while, but that's life. Shit happens, as they say, and you have to go through it and learn how to deal with it in order for things to get better. So, stop reading NOW if you don't want to go there with me. I'm trying to be honest as I can with myself here. It won't be pretty. I also won't take it personally if you stop reading.

I'm trying very hard to get my sanity back. Trying to keep moving forward. Trying just to keep moving. I'm thinking I want a day job so that I have some stability and know how much money is coming in every month rather than scrambling after clients and trying to get them to pay me on time. Right now that seems like a lot less stress, although I may be kidding myself. I really don't know. And that is really the crux of the problem. I feel like I don't know anything. Having some motivation is also hard right now. Getting myself moving in a good direction is hard when I really don't know what I want. That's why I've been concentrating on house stuff. It's easy. It doesn't require any great knowledge or confidence. And believe me. I have no real confidence right now.

It seems like when you go through this stuff all of reality is up for questioning. What's right? What's wrong? What am I really capable of? The feeling of failure is strong and seeps into everything, not just relationships. Like I said, I know I'm crazy right now, but I don't know how to get past that and I don't have time to take off of work, wether it be working for me or somebody else. Life doesn't wait for you too get your head together. So here I go, moving forward the best I can and hoping that I make some good decisions. Hoping that I have the energy to do this.

Babies!

So I just found out that another friend is pregnant! Yea! It's funny because I found out on Face book and just now realized that her comment on my crochet post was telling me that. I thought she really meant she wanted a toy for herself! My only excuse is that my brain isn't up to par right now. But WOW! YEA!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! Seriously, I am so very happy for them. It's so nice to have so many good things to be happening for my friends. I will be living vicariously through them for a while and loving every minute of it.