Darker Posts

A warning to those who don't want to know about the darker parts of my brain. This will most likely not be a very happy blog for a while, but that's life. Shit happens, as they say, and you have to go through it and learn how to deal with it in order for things to get better. So, stop reading NOW if you don't want to go there with me. I'm trying to be honest as I can with myself here. It won't be pretty. I also won't take it personally if you stop reading.

I'm trying very hard to get my sanity back. Trying to keep moving forward. Trying just to keep moving. I'm thinking I want a day job so that I have some stability and know how much money is coming in every month rather than scrambling after clients and trying to get them to pay me on time. Right now that seems like a lot less stress, although I may be kidding myself. I really don't know. And that is really the crux of the problem. I feel like I don't know anything. Having some motivation is also hard right now. Getting myself moving in a good direction is hard when I really don't know what I want. That's why I've been concentrating on house stuff. It's easy. It doesn't require any great knowledge or confidence. And believe me. I have no real confidence right now.

It seems like when you go through this stuff all of reality is up for questioning. What's right? What's wrong? What am I really capable of? The feeling of failure is strong and seeps into everything, not just relationships. Like I said, I know I'm crazy right now, but I don't know how to get past that and I don't have time to take off of work, wether it be working for me or somebody else. Life doesn't wait for you too get your head together. So here I go, moving forward the best I can and hoping that I make some good decisions. Hoping that I have the energy to do this.