I Love the Zoo

Today I went to Como Zoo with Q. It was a warm day, but still nice enough and I took a few pictures, of course. I had a salad from one of the food stands, a salad being the only thing on the menu without wheat or gluten. It's sad. So very sad.



The diet has been an unmistakable success that I cannot deny. I feel better than I have in the last ten years. My eye sight has improved and even the knuckles in my fingers have decreased in size allowing me to wear rings I haven worn in years. Nice.



I am so tired of not having bread though. I'm ordering a hand powered grain mill so I can make my own rice flour. I killed the coffee grinder trying it but the bread was good and I need more. I really want a sandwich.



Tomorrow I'm meeting with Emily for coffee. We haven't been able to arrange that in forever and I am looking forward to it. It sounds so relaxing.



Then it's back to making the basement room acceptable for company so my friend from Arizona has a place to stay when she's here for three days this week. I won't see her much though. She has classes and I have rehearsal. Oh well, I'll take what I can get.

Zombie Wheat

Now I know that wheat can kill your brain. Lovely. And it wants to kill mine. Luckily I figured it out before permanent damage was done. Well, I think so anyway. I might be too brain damaged to know, right?

My adventure started with wanting to decrease pain. I had recently read that wheat increases swelling and I knew that swelling increases pain so I thought, why not give it a try? I gave up wheat and in a week dropped 8 pounds of what was probably water weight. But alas, after much more time, no pain relief. I went back to wheat for one night. My brain fogged up and I couldn't remember what I was talking about. I really can't describe well enough how bad it was, I thought, wow, this hasn't happened to me in a long time. The next morning when I woke up with a clearer brain I remembered just exactly how long it had been since my brain played tricks on me and my ability to think. It was before I had given up wheat. Now with 2 months of a wheat/gluten free diet I could see a huge difference in my ability to think and concentrate. My depression has cleared up a lot too, but that can be attributed to sun and taking vitamin D every day as well as the diet.

So the short of it is I was lucky to find out now. Onset of Wheat Ataxia hits most of it's victims at about 54 years of age. (Although I know someone who is 30 and has the allergy.) Many times it is permanent damage. I was soooooo lucky. Or at least much luckier than those poor people who are having problems with wheat and blaming it on old age and the diseases that come with it. I really find it amazing what physical problems we put up with and struggle though on a daily basis, just trying to function. Some of us never find out it doesn't have to be that way.

I'm still trying to figure out the path through this minefield of wheat and gluten in our daily diets. It's much harder than it should be. I've even found wheat hidden in meat sticks and sprinkled on fries. I read the ingredients on everything now. I'm good and terrified of losing my brain.

The other day I went to Pizza Luce' for lunch with E and Q bracing myself for yet another salad. The host asked us it we needed a gluten free menu. I blurted out, "I love you!"

Lazy Days

Just a quick post to say I'm still alive, just a bit unmotivated with a lot to do. Rehearsals have started and I'm loving it, but it wears me out. They make for long days. This weekend I spent my time watching movies and crocheting a sweater. It was nothing important and it was relaxing. I should have been doing a billion other things. I am in a lazy mood.

So, off I go to get some stuff done that I have been avoiding. :-)

The List

Eric is the only person I know that is harder to get a good picture of than me. Maybe if I super glued his face in a normal expression... Anyway, this is the costume I made him for his Steampunk Scottish Ball. It looked much better on him than in the picture. Leather tailcoat. Leather top hat with magnifying glasses mechanism in the headband. Brocade vest matching the hat band. Tie. Cane and spats with antique buttons. I bought the shirt and pants at Savers and he wore his dance shoes.

The Etsy site is up, but only one person has their stuff up so far. I did take the pictures of her home spun yarn though. Does that count? Now that the site is up I haven't decided what to make. Figures. And of course I've booked myself silly this month. Check out the store at http://www.etsy.com/shop/Trellised?ref=pr_shop_more

Ann Compton has come and gone. She was very nice, but I have my political issues. :-) Next up, Sigourney Weaver.

We filmed a bit for the non-profit. I suck and really, really do not want to be on camera. Seriously. Ew.

Yesterday I went to the Art Crawl with Kevin. It rained as usual for the crawl and I opted not to risk the camera by bringing it so, no pictures unfortunately. There were some really great artists with some very inspiring stuff. You'll just have to trust me. ;-D

Last night I worked a comedy play, running the second camera. Fun play, but I really couldn't pay attention properly and keep people in frame. I still wasn't feeling well from last week's nasty flu so I didn't stick around for the opening night party. My ability to carry on conversations had been reduced to saying, "Nice job."

Today (boy, this blog sounds more like a list than a blog. Hopefully I'll get better at it.) I went to May Day brunch with some Scottish dancers and then a psychic fair with my friend Julie and her mom. I really just went to see Julie's mom and some friends who work the fair. Even though my friends ended up missing the fair it was still nice to see Julie's parents again.

Tomorrow I begin shadowing a local director. I'm really excited to see how he works. Auditions were a blast. I really like seeing how things work from this end. It will eat up most of my evenings this month but it will be worth it I hope.

Busy, Busy.

Buck and Guinness sleeping together.

The last few days I have been living in the basement working on Eric's costume. Well, maybe not living in the basement but I have been spending hours down there in my art/craft room coming up only for food and caffeine.

So far I'm almost done with his leather tux coat with tails. Just need to get some more of the lining sewn in and I'm done. I've finished a gold/copper/bronze brocade vest. The fabric is oh-so-pretty. And I've started work on his cane. I still need the top hat, tie and steampunk embellishments all done by Saturday, even though I have two solid days of work and one evening where I can't sew. I have visions of working until the last moment.


Coffee at Anodyne with Emily S.

Saturday I met with another Emily about running the business end of an Etsy site. This is the first time I've tried creating a business that I want to work at, then finding someone else to run it. :-)

Tonight it's Ann Comton and the blog I write for Smart Talk and then daycare tomorrow and Wednesday and work on the non-profit both nights with Emily K. I will be tired. I hope I'll have a brain left...

More

It can be really hard to get back to blogging when you haven't done it in a long while. I can't believe I used to do it every day for two years! Can I get back to that? I don't know. I find that I've shrunk back from public view, probably to protect myself, but in reality, it's not a good thing. So. Here I am. Again.

These days I'm working on doing things that are not stressful. I realize that after saying that you're going to think I've gone completely mad when I tell you what I'm up to, but these are things I don't find stressful. At least not in a bad way. So here goes;

I'm working on finishing up my zombie book. Half of it is art so it's taking me a while, but boy, is it fun to work on. And gross. And I love it when someone sees what I'm doing and lets out an "Ewwwww!"



There are two steampunk costumes I need to finish up. One is for Eric and his steampunk Scottish ball. That is coming up next weekend. The other costume is for me at the Convergence convention this year. The convention is in the beginning of July so I have a little time for that one. I'm also working on a portable video camera monitor and two way communication so that I can "bring" someone with me to the convention and they can see what I see and do in realtime and I can talk with them as well. If it works it's going to be sooo much fun this year.



Pam has needed graphic design work for her business card and "Chico" bags. That's almost done.

I'm working on a steampunk chandelier for the dining room.



Working on an Etsy site and getting someone else to run it. I would like to just be an artist for once. :-)



Genealogy, of course is not forgotten and I'm working on a website for it. It's hard for me to know when to start throwing things up on line. It's an unending project so...? I should just bite the bullet and do it as is. Maybe after the weekend. Yeah...

There is more, always more, but for now, I'm done.

Joco

Joco has comforted me through two marriages, three deaths and was my first thought in the morning when I woke. Most of my friends brought him treats when they visited or knew where the treat jar was and would give him one as soon as they entered the house.



Strangers would stop us on the street to tell me what a pretty dog he was and would often have treats on hand they would give him. That happened so many times I lost track of the numbers. One woman actually stopped in the middle of an intersection to give him one. One of my neighbors at the old house would buy him a bone every time she went to the store and threw it over the fence on the way back home.



Then there were the "manly men." You know the type; pickup driving, hunting and fishing men would would light up when they met him, usually saying "He's so big!" with envy in their eyes. Joco inspired love.



When I say Joco was the best dog ever, it's not just me. I have a lot of believers in that statement. With Joco gone I feel like I've lost part of me.

Joco

Joco has been having health problems and they were decidedly worse when I got back from NY. It looks like he had a bad fall while I was gone and damaged his back. The vet gave me more pain killers and anti-inflammatory pills, but he's really having a bad time of it. At this point he can barely walk and his hind legs only support him part of the time. I've been half carrying him outside when he has to go, which is difficult with a 100 pound dog to say the least. I'm just hoping he'll get better if I keep him confined and off his feet as much as possible. I've been keeping him off his bed, which he's not to happy about! But it's a love seat and he'd have to climb to get into it, so we've been sleeping in the living room since I got home. He has some cushions but he still wants his bed. Poor baby! It's hard to watch him go through this. I hate seeing him suffer.

This has really taken a lot of my focus lately, so I really don't have anything else to write about right now. And yes, I'm trying. :-)

More

Well the job didn't work out, the woman changed her mind and decided she could only afford part time and a teenager at that. On the bright side an old client called and wants me to do some more work for her. So, it all works out.

I am still working on the positive, schooling my thoughts as much as I can, working on seeing all of this as an opportunity rather than something bad. With time I'll get better at it. I'm just going to concentrate on money and work, getting new furniture and a car. I'll work on figuring out my relationship issues later. Because it goes without saying, my judgment in that sector needs some work. But I've decided I don't need to work on it right now. I can get all introspective later. :-)

Another Post

A good thing happened yesterday. I got a bite on a job. So keep your fingers crossed it works out.

Other than that I'm still working on this focus/being positive thing. I've been watching "feel good" videos and staying away from the negative people, and I'm finding an ironic twist. The people who think they are very positive have been the most negative in their advice. Interesting, isn't it? It's the same way everybody thinks they are a good person no matter what they do. I should do a science experiment. Maybe I could write a book.

The other thing is that I can't get away from knowing what Edwin is up to. I've cut off every access to information about him that I can think of and yet it still finds me. Oh well, at least it confirms some suspicions and that makes me feel a little less crazy. That is another good thing. Hey, I'm up to two good things! I think I'll shoot for three tomorrow. :-)

Focus

Today I am trying to get focused. It's like my mind is on a circular track and I need to somehow make it get off and do something different. It feels like (and mind you I know it's just my brain running that track) Like everything in my life is set up to make anything I do or want to do more difficult than it should be. Winter, the bus system, Joco's health and my own are just a few of the things getting in the way. And then there is that focus problem. It's hard to move forward when you no longer trust yourself to make a good decision or believe you have the capability. Again, logically I know it's all in my head, but emotionally, well, emotions have been taking over. The goal for the day is to get unstuck and focus, even if just for a half an hour. Baby steps, right?

So, on to the positive. (See, I'm working on it.) I have good friends. (include cousins in that) Really good friends. Not a lot, but the ones I have are wonderful. I have even gained a friend through this. Someone else going through the same thing. We've been having great online sessions. It helps to get it out. Of course when these things happen, you do find out who your friends really are. I have lost a few that I thought were my friends, but it's their loss. I've been there for them, and they have lost that support system. It's sad, but I can live with it. If they feel they have to choose, then so be it. Occasionally you need to weed the garden or the weeds will choke out the flowers. I will keep moving forward with my small but wonderful group of friends.

Darker Posts

A warning to those who don't want to know about the darker parts of my brain. This will most likely not be a very happy blog for a while, but that's life. Shit happens, as they say, and you have to go through it and learn how to deal with it in order for things to get better. So, stop reading NOW if you don't want to go there with me. I'm trying to be honest as I can with myself here. It won't be pretty. I also won't take it personally if you stop reading.

I'm trying very hard to get my sanity back. Trying to keep moving forward. Trying just to keep moving. I'm thinking I want a day job so that I have some stability and know how much money is coming in every month rather than scrambling after clients and trying to get them to pay me on time. Right now that seems like a lot less stress, although I may be kidding myself. I really don't know. And that is really the crux of the problem. I feel like I don't know anything. Having some motivation is also hard right now. Getting myself moving in a good direction is hard when I really don't know what I want. That's why I've been concentrating on house stuff. It's easy. It doesn't require any great knowledge or confidence. And believe me. I have no real confidence right now.

It seems like when you go through this stuff all of reality is up for questioning. What's right? What's wrong? What am I really capable of? The feeling of failure is strong and seeps into everything, not just relationships. Like I said, I know I'm crazy right now, but I don't know how to get past that and I don't have time to take off of work, wether it be working for me or somebody else. Life doesn't wait for you too get your head together. So here I go, moving forward the best I can and hoping that I make some good decisions. Hoping that I have the energy to do this.

Babies!

So I just found out that another friend is pregnant! Yea! It's funny because I found out on Face book and just now realized that her comment on my crochet post was telling me that. I thought she really meant she wanted a toy for herself! My only excuse is that my brain isn't up to par right now. But WOW! YEA!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! Seriously, I am so very happy for them. It's so nice to have so many good things to be happening for my friends. I will be living vicariously through them for a while and loving every minute of it.

Confessions

Tim Burton exhibit in NY.

Finally, I'm blogging. It's been hard for me to blog because I was having problems with Edwin and I've been editing myself here. I would start to blog and then stop many times. So now I'm out of the closet. Edwin is gone. I'm redecorating the house. Even now it's hard to be serious about it. Talking to people is not my strong suit when things go wrong. So, suffice to say that I make very bad choices.

I really am redecorating though. I painted the living room and recovered the dining room chairs. This is easier for me to handle if I make the place my own and all about me. When we moved in together we had two of everything. He was so in love with his own stuff I got rid of mine. It didn't matter that much to me. Now though, I find he decided that that means everything is his, and I have no couch, no bed, no microwave and only a few DVDs. Luckily, it is just stuff (although I really miss my Tomb Raider) and it can all be replaced. So I'm concentrating on the positive. I get to get new, or at least, new to me stuff.

I wish I could say that this kind of thing gets easier when you've done it a few times, but it doesn't. And that is about all I can confess to today.

New York

I'm packing for my trip to New York today which is my birthday gift from Pam. I'm not sure what we will be doing, she's keeping it secret. I do know I have to bring a swim suit. So I'm thinking maybe a hot tub? That's probably because I'd really like to thaw right now. :-) I do know that whatever we will be doing it will be fun and it will be really good to spend time with Pam.

When I get back, which will be on Wednesday, I'm planning to revamp the house and make some studio space. I'm really looking forward to be able have one again. It also looks like there will be a possible job. It will be a bit of a hassle getting there and back, but I'm not complaining, money is a good thing. I like money. A lot.

That's about it today. I'll try to take lots of pictures for the next post. :-)

Baby Things

With Emily's baby due soon I figure it's time to start working on baby things. Emily's mother is an avid crocheter, knitter, and seamstress. Not to mention everything she does comes out perfect. Since she'll most likely provide Emily with the standard baby things I decided it's my job to provide the geek baby things. Here are the first two.


Dalek

He's stuffed with quilt batting so he's very light and fluffy.


Baby Cthulhu


Back. See the little wings?

Friends, Work and Kitties

I went out to dinner with Emily and Tony last night to discuss and plan the Convergence commercials we're working on and just had the best time. We spent half the time working and half the time getting caught up on people we haven't seen in a while. Or maybe I could call it gossiping? Is it gossiping when nothing bad is said? Anyway, I felt like a kid again. It was fun.

The housing inspector came yesterday and all the work I did was approved. Yea! But it felt weird to suddenly be done in a matter of minutes when it's taken me all month to do the work. :-) Today feels like a day off because the repairs are done, but in reality I have lots to do. I have two programs to learn; Final Cut Pro and Story Board Pro. I have a business plan to work on and, well, lets just say I won't be bored and I won't get done with it all.

Guinness, our 15 pound kitty came lumbering into the bedroom last night. Lumbering is the only word that I can think of that fits the way he walks. He's not graceful like cats are supposed to be. He hits the floor so hard with his feet that he sounds like a full grown human walking through the house. He walks with a slight pull to one side, his shoulders hunch up and the feet don't always match up. Last night he came up on the bed, stepping on me, sliding off, stepping on me and sliding off, every pound finding a sore spot on my body. He finally got to my head. Purring and putting all his weight behind it he gave me a resounding head butt. It hurt and I thought, I love this cat.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Devil's Quote

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
Jogo Tyree

From THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
by Ambrose Bierce

On that happy thought I'm going out to breakfast with Emily and her mom and dad this morning. They all all such nice people. Then I will probably do more house repair stuff.

Rant

OK, I'm annoyed. Again. So today you get a badly written rant.

This time it's because of Internet scams like "allexperts" or "examiner." These places use people for little or no money and then make tons of money off them with advertising. Really, it makes me nuts. People who end up working for them don't care because they believe it gives them exposure and will somehow help with their success. But that's kind of like saying working at a dive diner will help you on your way to being a head chef. Not very likely. Meanwhile, the ease of getting free or almost free workers drops the going pay rate for these types of job. Everyone gets hurt. It makes me mad.

"You get what you pay for." Remember that saying? Well, not too many other people do these days. While looking for more clues into Joco's mysterious limp, that even the vet can't diagnose, I ran into one of these sites that proclaim they have experts to answer your questions. Let's just say the woman "expert" shouldn't have been let out of her cage long enough to type. She not only did not answer the poor dog owner's question, who was asking for advise, but she decided the dog owner was somehow trying to be cheap and not pay for a vet. She berated the dog owner for asking for help. Nice.

But don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. I really do the the availability to get good information on the internet. I do it all the time. I love instructables.com, Make Magazine and a number of other sites I visit regularly. I just hate that for every good thing, there is someone out there scamming people with it.

One internet rant wont stop it. I don't believe it will ever go away. I'll still say, people do bad things because we let them. Remember Walmart? Sure you do, they never went away. Have they started treating their employees better? Have they stopped demanding manufacturers to make inferior, cheaper products for their stores? Of course not. We still shop there.